...And your eyes must do some raining...

cocaine_toupees @ 2008-11-25T10:44:00

2008-11-25T15:35:10Z

im in school right now.
im being sneeky
i can't wait for this year to be over.

blah.

cocaine_toupees @ 2008-08-23T20:19:00

2008-08-24T00:31:53Z

so i got a new job at Maple Woods in Clio.
Its right around the corner from my house and i get paid 13.25 an hour.
i can't really say a whole lot about it cuz i haven't technically started.
i start monday.

I'm starting to get excited about school.
i know it might sound retarded to actually be pumped about fricken school.......i guess im just excited cuz i'll be done in a year.

well.....i'm still trying to stick it out at my parents house.
its basically chaos every day.
Krista moved back in....which is a good thing.
but we are packed in this house like sardines.
i dont have my own room.....i have an "area" which has my bed and jordans crib.
theres a bed in the living room which my sister sleeps on.
my uncle sleeps on the couch a lot of the time.....
no one has any privacy and we just get on each others nerves.
my parents are both alcoholics which is extremley overbearing sometimes.
i just keep telling myself that i won't have to live like this much longer
that helps me stay somewhat upbeat and have a positive attitude about my current situation.

cocaine_toupees @ 2008-07-30T00:26:00

2008-07-30T04:30:43Z

so i got the job in fenton.
which i guess is a good thing.
it's a long drive and i don't get paid enough.
this is the lowest paying cna job i've had.
i guess i can't complain too much because it IS a job.
and i was desperate.

thats pretty much it.
im going to bed.

cocaine_toupees @ 2008-07-26T21:29:00

2008-07-27T01:37:01Z

This is my son Jordan.

cocaine_toupees @ 2008-07-19T22:48:00

2008-07-20T02:55:35Z

wow its been soooo long since i wrote anything on this thing.
welllllll........ right now im in detroit with my cousin getting drunk.
shes crazy.

my son is almost a year old.
its soooo crazy how fast this year is going by.

im finally going to nursing school in october.
however.....im not going to mott.
i found out about this school in saginaw called LaToyas.
they have a one year nursing program and they only accept 30 people a year.
i was one of the lucky 30 that got in and im really really excited.

i dont really have much to say.
im pretty much boring.
i have a job interview at crestmont in fenton on wedensday and im really excited since i havent worked in awhile.

anyway im about to keep drinking 1800 and corona and hope jordan doesnt wake up till noon tomorrow.

ha yea right.

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-09-27T17:02:00

2007-09-27T21:36:34Z

So i've been really busy and havent had a chance to update so this entry could be rather long.
I finally had my baby.
He was born on september 11th weighed 9 lbs 1 oz and came out screaming like someone was killing him,
i had to have a c section since he was so big....which by the way is the most terrifying experience i've had in a long time.
when i went to the hospital i was really calm and relaxed and everything was going great......until the nurses came into my room and were like "are you ready?"
the second they wheeled me into the operating room i lost it.
i was crying really hard and was freaking out.
my mom was there with me and kept peeking over the curtain making weird faces which made things even worse.
when he came out and i saw him the only thing i could say is "wow.....this is soooooo weird"
for the rest of the day i was all fucked up on morphine and benadryl and can hardly remember anything.
sooooooo that was my hospital experience in a nut shell.

i hate to brag and everything but my son is probably the cutest baby ive seen.....ever.
haha
seriously tho.....he has really light brown skin with big blue eyes.
he has huge fat cheeks and lots of hair.
eats a whole bunch and doesnt cry all the time.
being a mom is a crazy feeling.
its unbelievable that something so beautiful came from something that was soooooo fucked up.

being pregnant was the easy part.
since jordans been born i havent slept hardly at all.
the hormones right after pregnancy are way worse than they are during pregnancy.
i've been crying more often.....mostly because i feel completley overwhelmed.
i feel cheated and betrayed because all the responsibility is falling on me and it takes 2 people to make a baby.....
having to deal with devin is probably the worst part.
after not seeing him for 6 months and then having to put up with him again is really hard to deal with.
i get this sick disgusted hurt feeling every time i look at him.
its even worse seeing him and my sister together.....its basically like getting stabbed in the back over and over and over again.
its just too many feelings and too much to deal with way too fast.
my head feels like its spinning so fast its about to fall off.
i hate watching him hold the baby.
mostly because i can tell that he loves him.......and i catch him looking at the baby and then looking at me and doing that over and over with this pitiful look on his face.
its enough to make me want to vomit and kill him.
ugh.....i have massive amounts of anger
on the upside i reported him to the child support office which he is highly pissed off about.
maybe he'll where a condom with the next bitch that comes along.

on the downside........he did pay to get me a tatoo which at the time didnt sound like a bad idea.
and hell.....that bitch was paying for it so i figured WHY NOT?
the idea i had in my head was really super cute and what i ended up with is some gnarly looking tatoo that looks like it was done in jail.
SO on top of a whirlwind of crazy emotions i have a butt ugly tatoo to piss me off even more.

but hey.......at least i have a really pretty baby :)

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-08-09T21:54:00

2007-08-10T02:02:43Z

soooo.....my doctor told me today that i have to start taking insulin
im so pissed because the only thing i want to do is sit back and eat chocolate all day long.
the only thing he could say when i had a dumb struck look on my face is "welllllll its only for like 4 weeks so it wont be that bad"
bullshit
im ready for this shit to be over.
im sick of eating all the fricken time
im sick of my crotch feeling like someone smashed it with a hammer
im sick of having to log roll out of bed
im sick of fat feet
im sick of taking a million tums a day
im sick of moving in slow motion.

ugh.
im sick of bitching about being pregnant.
but damn man.....i want this shit to be OVER.
ummmmmmm im trying to think of something upbeat and positive to say.
i can't think of anything so im just gunna stop now.

b.y.e.

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-07-27T20:31:00

2007-07-28T01:16:46Z

out of complete boredom i read my whole livejournal last night.
through out the entire thing i felt like going back in time and smacking myself.
I realized a few things though.....

i have spent the past four years bitching and moaning about my "terrible" life.
I've made myself look pitiful and dramatic.
In all reality my life isn't the sad sob story i've portrayed it to be.
To tell you the truth, i consider myself to be a happy and content person.
....but no one would know it by reading this thing.
i do have problems.....but everyone does.
I really think i've made a mistake by broadcasting my petty problems on livejournal since things could always be a lot worse.

there are a few things i want to clear up.....(mostly for myself.)

I've made my mom seem like a wicked, evil woman.
she has problems as we all do.....but i truly do love her.
there were so many times that i said i hated her, swore she was insane, and blamed her for a lot of my issues.
Never once did i say anything good about her.
of course we do butt heads but we also get along a lot of the time.
i mean....who am i to critisize her shortcomings when i have myself to think about.
if it wasn't for her i wouldn't have a roof over my head or food in my enormous belly.
so basically i need to shut the fuck up because shes not evil or wicked.

I have been a bitch.
i have been judgemental.
i have put up a huge wall around myself and critisized people i never knew or even tried to know.
i have hurt people with my attitude and harsh words.
i have said the word sorry when i never really meant it.
and for the record......i am sorry now for anyone i hurt or offended along the way.

I threw the words "i love you" around like they were nothing.
It took me a few years and a few relationships to figure out what it really was.
I cared about the people i was with but i can only say i felt true love for one person in my life so far.
weird huh?

I also noticed that i said a few things that were some what rascist.
At the time i didn't realize how i sounded or how it may come across to other people.
In the past year i've been around a wide variety of people and i must say this.
trash is trash no matter what color the person is.
everyone is beautiful one way or another and i should have never categorized certain things by a persons skin color.
the ironic thing is, my son is going to be mixed and i would never ever make him feel like less of a person because his skin is a little darker.

All in all i'm pointing these things out to myself so i can be more aware of the person i am
and....you can only change what you acknowledge.
I used to question.....why do fucked up things always happen to me?
but i figured it out
i put myself in really messed up situations where the outcome is always going to be bad.
so my goal is to do the opposite from now on.
...put myself in good situations and surround myself with positive things so i stop fucking up.
its a simple concept but it took a long time to sink in.
another thing is......sitting around bitching about stuff and feeling sorry for myself has gotten myself no where (obviously) so that has to stop as well.

thats about it

and on a lighter more unusual note.....i crave the smell of soap so i take 2 showers a day and wash my hands all the time.
isn't that crazy?

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-07-25T20:46:00

2007-07-26T01:16:22Z

Latley i've had a lot of time to think about things.
For some reason i keep thinking about my past and i'm trying to figure out how i ended up the way i am.
um....it's pretty weird that i'm going to be a mom in a month.
I never in a million years would have thought i would have a baby so early.
....did i mention im having a boy?
my stomach looks like i swallowed a huge ball and feels like a rock.
and i basically eat everything i see and never feel full.
Looking back i suppose i would have done things ALOT differently.
...i would have stayed away from all guys, went to college right after high school, kept my job......
I'm trying to figure out if things really do happen for a reason.
If thats true then why does fucked up shit always happen to me?
am i supposed to be learning some kind of lesson from all of this?
i dont get it.
i mean, at this point i have nothing to look forward to.
except for my child.....but even that has its set backs.
i'll be a single mother and everyone knows the stereo types that come with that.
My sister is fucking my "babys daddy" (i hate that term haha) and has turned into white trash.
I feel like i lost my best friend but she obviously doesn't feel the same.
My mom is an alcoholic and stays gone a lot and when she is around she's in her own little world.
.....did i mention when i was 5 months pregnant she pushed me out of my own car in a drunken rage?
i love my family but things are messed up right now.
i feel kinda isolated and alone.
boo hoo.
and i guess because of those things.....im moving down to north carolina as soon as i save some money.
my cousin wants to get an apartment with me and its sounding more and more tempting.
hmmm
annnnywaysssssss.
today i was reading an old boyfriends journal.
it was sooooo weird.
It made me smile tho.....because i know that at one point (even tho i was a teenager) i loved someone who truely loved me back.
who knows if i'll ever find that again.....but its good to know i felt it at all.

thats about it.

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-04-06T21:50:00

2007-04-07T02:06:29Z

so.....4 months pregnant makes me extra large.
I never thought i would be this fat so early.
and lucky me....i have the whole summer to be nice and "ripe"
which probably means i'll be a huge, hot, miserable mess.
ha.

So, i wouldn't really say things are looking up for me yet.
I'm just trying to look on the brighter side of things.
i have found a source of money.....so i kind of feel secure.
living with my parents is hell.....but its the only option i have so im making the best of it.
the relationship with my sister and i is still fucked but im over it.
devin hasn't tried calling me in 2 weeks which is a huge plus.
hopefully he will do everyone a huge favor and stay the hell away from me and my child.
besides......hes my sisters problem now....so she can have fun dealing with him :)
...of course....sometimes i do breakdown and cry and feel completly out of control (i blame this mostly to raging hormones)

despite everything that has happened i have a lot to look forward to.
after i have my baby i have promised myself to get my shit together.
get a good job, go to school, etc.
it will feel so good to be back on my feet and be more in control of my life.

anyway.......my cat had kittens and 4 of them died and there is only one left.
she is 2 weeks old now......if this one dies i will probably cry a lot.
if anyone wants a kitty in 5 weeks....let me know :)

cocaine_toupees @ 2007-03-13T16:40:00

2007-03-13T23:57:23Z

So heres the down low yo.
I'm trying extremely hard to keep my head up these days.
(forgive me....but arent ljs for bitching and moaning anyway?)
i'm almost 14 weeks pregnant.....which means im about 3 1/2 months.
that guy.....from the last entry is the dad.....or shall i say "sperm donor"
um.....everything was all peachy until i just flat out got fed up with everything.
ha.....kicked him and my sister out of my house because they were always hanging out together.....which was just odd to me.
um......everything for me fell apart pretty fucking fast....and im desperatley trying to pick up the pieces.
a couple weeks ago the shit hit the fan after this dumb ass begged me to work things out with him again.
only difference was that i wouldnt fall for it this time.
so im assuming he got pissed off and called child protective services on me and told them that "he was concerned because i was drinking all the time, popping all kinds of pills, smoking weed, and i ended up in the hospital as a result of all this"
....all of that shit was lies. I was in the hospital but only because i was sick as hell and dehydrated.
after i found this out my mom called me to inform me that my sister had hickeys all over her neck from him.
at that point i thought i was going to murder someone.
of course he denied everything.
i threw some of his clothes on the side of the road.....which obviously pissed him off.
so he calls me and his exact words are "yes bitch ive been fucking your sister.....and im going to continue to fuck your sister.......i dont want anything to do with you or that kid......i have a dick and i'll go make more"

ha......so......he still attempts to call me.....hes still having sex with my sister.
mine and her relationship is ruined over his stupid ass.
and she doesnt seem to care at all.
and shes still over there with him almost 2 weeks after all this happened.

did i mention that while all that was going on......i lost my job, had to move back in with my parents, and my car fell apart.
did i also mention that i have a baby on the way in 6 months......haha.....
how in the fuck am i going to be a good mother when im going through all this?
how am i going to support a little baby when i cant even take care of myself?
how can a guy deny his own flesh and blood?

ugh.
sounds like a jerry springer situation....however it is my life right now.
i guess things have to get worse before they get better,
life goes on.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-11-12T20:14:00

2006-11-13T03:14:24Z

i've never thought of myself as a naive girl...
however, recently i've fallen into that category.
i have never felt so dumb and used.
i met this guy and we were together every single day and night for 4 months.
basically he moved in.
worst idea ever.
i let the motherfucker stay there for free.....eat my food......use my car....
...as everyone predicted he fucked me over and left the second he started making money.
he had my head so fucked up with shit he had said i didnt even see it coming.
what i dont understand is how you can tell someone you love them and tell them you want them to have your baby (eh) and have sex with them and then one day give it all up to go sit in a fucking trap house with 14 and 15 year old east side trash.
some people just have life soooo fucked up.
and im the one sitting here looking like the dumb little white bitch.
ignorant.
and i never thought i would say this......because i am absolutly not a racist person.....
BUT it seems like black guys hurt you the worst.

last night i was a train wreck.
went over to this one dude's house that my sister is kinda with.
drank way to much.
couldnt stop crying.
kept talking about how much i missed this guy.
miserable.
but the real messed up thing was, my sisters man asked me for my number.
i felt so disgusted.
i wanted to go hunt down every guy that has ever done me wrong and kill them.
went home
puked.
havent ate since thursday.
soooooooo ridiculous.

i wouldnt say my heart is broken.....just kinda sorta damaged.
my head is fucked up more than anything else.
i guess drugs, money, and sleazy bitches are more important than the people who really care.

then,i woke up this morning and it was like a slap in the face.
kinda in a good way tho.
i just realized that i know exactly how he feels because ive done the same thing to people in the past.
your whole body is numb and you just dont give a fuck.
everything ive heard about karma is true.
and ive got a lot of bad karma.

im done with little boys that claim to be "men"
im done with relationships for awhile.....period.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-05-21T21:18:00

2006-05-22T04:30:53Z

i think somewhere within the month i forgot livejournal existed.
no wonder i have so much pent up rage......i havent been here to vent.
ha

well.....i probably live the most boring life EVER. work, sleep, eat, shit, think, drink.
finish and repeat.

its really hard to believe its been almost a year since i graduated.
this past year has been a blur......its crazy.
whats even crazier is that i keep thinking about all the people i used to know and went to school with for so long.
but some how i cant remember half of their last names.
people i was close to a year ago seem like strangers.
i guess thats just how life is.

so yea im gunna register for school next month.
....seeing as how i feel like im going nowhere in life.
deadbeat
thats how i feel.
kinda depressing..
...yea im unhappy....so what.

and just for the sake of updating....i have a new roommate
he's pretty cool.
he was trying to get me to take some pill earlier......i forget the name.
peer pressure is a bitch.

:]

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-04-17T15:17:00

2006-04-18T19:28:56Z

i need to clean up my act
i feel like such white trash.

drinking, smoking, and saying fuck everyother word is getting old.

people have such screwed up impressions of me
apparently i make my boyfriends friends "uncomfortable"
i can't figure out why
perhaps its the fact that i dont say much......and when i do im a raging bitch.
or maybe its the way i look at people.
im leaning towards both of those reasons.

i refuse to believe, however, that im really that bad of a person.
or that i am actually capable of offending someone with the way i carry myself.
apparently what i've been hearing my whole life is true......you're not supposed to judge a book by its cover.
unfortunatly the one thing that has me so upset is the one thing ive been doing latley.
i guess that makes me a hypocrit

ok so how about this.......try to get to know me before you assume the worst about me.
and i will try my hardest to do the same.

ugh.thaopwietpawe4t

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-04-05T23:45:00

2006-04-07T03:48:13Z

im realizing more and more each day that im a very jealous person.
im also quite bitchy
...and snap at anyone if they say the wrong thing to me.

someone should duct tape my mouth shut before i say something that hurts.

poop.....sex and the city comes on in 10 minutes.
but andys watching a movie.
and if i miss it i might get bitchy.....ahem^^

i just need to chill.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-03-18T03:47:00

2006-03-19T08:52:37Z

so um my dad got out of prison on thursday.
it was really weird seeing him for the first time in 2 years.
it breaks my heart to see anyone i love in the situation he's in.
he just kinda stared off into space like he was thinking about deep shit.

i dunno......

so latley ive been hanging out with crazy people.
how i got involved with them......i dont know.
ive been doing shit that usually i wouldnt do.
what it all boils down to is.....i need someone to save me from myself.
because honestly......im my own worst enemy.

bla bla bla......im drunk (always)

fuck you

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-03-08T23:42:00

2006-03-10T04:48:19Z

so......today WAS good
although its not so good anymore.

i want closure damnit
i think i deserve that much.

people should start acting their age
...you're almost 20
this game your playing is childish
and not to sound full of myself.....but im too good of a person to put up with such nonsense

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-03-08T13:02:00

2006-03-09T18:06:41Z

it smells like spring outside.
that makes me happier than ive been in a long time.
i <3 spring time
:]

PLUS its supposed to rain today
yay

...i feel pretty good

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-03-03T20:30:00

2006-03-05T01:32:15Z

things arent so bad i suppose

with each passing day i get a little stronger.....i guess

eh
sometimes being a bitch is the only thing left to hold on to.

ps. my boobs are so huge, i feel like if i move them the wrong way....they'll explode.
i wish i had cute dainty boobies.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-27T00:19:00

2006-02-27T05:20:41Z

im done
done caring and done trying.

im good enough to fuck but not good enough to have a relationship with.

instead of fucking me...
why dont you go fuck yourself.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-17T20:44:00

2006-02-18T01:46:57Z

whatever we'll be, we'll be
i'm sick of stressing.
from now on im just gunna sit back and breath.
no more worrying

the weight is off my shoulders now.

...but my shit is packed just in case

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-14T19:23:00

2006-02-15T00:29:30Z

its pretty sad when you stay up for 4 hours crying nonstop.
especially when you're not the kind of person to cry.
and the only person that can make you feel better is the one person who is completly disconnected from you........
....emotionally and physically

last time someone did this to me, they didnt come back.

happy valentines day.

...it’s all i wanted now i guess i’ve got it.
why it happened, i don’t know.
hope this doesn’t last forever.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-08T00:35:00

2006-02-09T05:43:14Z

i feel rather numb when it comes to this whole situation.

being distant comes naturally
being cold is just my way of coping.

we're far to different.
i'm a quiet,distant, loner.
you on the other hand are loud, emotional, and social.

maybe i just prefer being alone.
maybe i like to keep things to myself......so i build a wall.
maybe i really don't know what to think.

eh. this girl at work told me that im just changing and everyone goes through this stuff
...she said that in a few years i'll have changed so much i won't even think of myself as the same person.

maybe shes right......maybe this is only the beginning.

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-06T12:44:00

2006-02-07T17:45:07Z

imsosad.

thatsall

cocaine_toupees @ 2006-02-03T08:23:00

2006-02-04T13:24:44Z

Fuck you.
you don't know what addiction is

it makes your skin crawl and your body shake.

and YOU wouldn't know what that feels like.
would you?

bastard.